


so much for the light to give

by Lirazel



Category: Infinite (Band), K-POP RPF, K-pop, Korean Pop, Kpop-Fandom
Genre: Fluff, Friendship, Gen, Hurt/Comfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-30
Updated: 2013-01-30
Packaged: 2017-11-27 11:46:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,614
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/661644
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lirazel/pseuds/Lirazel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Infinite H gets a night off.  The rest of the members are going to make sure they enjoy it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	so much for the light to give

_You are not weak_  
just because your heart feels so heavy.  
I have never met a heavy heart  
that wasn’t a phone booth with a red cape inside....  
Some people will never understand  
the kind of super power it takes  
for some people to just walk outside.... 

_you- you stay here with me, okay?_  
You stay here with me.  
Raising your bright against the bitter dark  
Your bright longing  
Your brilliant fists of loss  
if the only thing we have to gain in staying is each other,  
my god that’s plenty  
my god that’s enough  
my god that is so so much for the light to give  
each of us at each other’s backs whispering over and over and over  
“Live”  
“Live”  
“Live” 

\- Andrea Gibson, "The Nutritionist"

\--

Sungyeol brings it up first, just a moment of flipness to hide his anger—“They need some time off. Some real time off—we should just go to CEO-nim and demand it”–but it’s Woohyun who picks up it up and runs with it, nagging Sunggyu every time they’re together. “Hyung, can’t you talk to CEO-nim? Please, this is important.” And it’s not that Sunggyu doesn’t want to, it’s not that he doesn’t _know_ just how important it is, because he does, he’s just as worried as the others. But this is the life, this is what they agreed to, and Sunggyu doesn’t ask for things from the CEO, he takes what they’re given because asking is implying that the person in charge is wrong to not have given it already and—

Myungsoo mopes more often these days and when Sungyeol nudges him none too gently and asks him what’s wrong, he sighs and says, “I miss Dongwoo-hyung and Hoya-hyung.” There’s nothing that Sunggyu can do about that, though, so he just pats Myungsoo on the head and tries to avoid Woohyun’s accusing eyes.

Despite the power of Woohyun’s you’re-not-being-a-good-leader stare (nothing Sunggyu doesn’t tell himself a thousand times a day, but it hurts more coming from Woohyun, for all it’s unspoken), it takes a while till he relents. It’s a day like all the days have been lately: the rappers stumble in after being gone for well over a day, released from grueling schedules for just three hours’ rest and a quick shower, and Sunggyu sees Myungsoo slip an arm around Dongwoo’s waist as he steers him towards the bedroom and Sungjong walking a half-step behind Hoya as though he wants to be there to catch his hyung if he stumbles (Hoya? Stumble? That’s not anything Sunggyu had ever considered, but for the first time ever it seems like a possibility). It’s hard to watch, but not as hard as seeing them being rushed back out again far too soon, managers’ voices firm even if their eyes are sympathetic. Dongwoo’s eyes aren’t fully open yet, his jacket looks too big for his frail body (“He’s lost _weight_ , hyung,” Woohyun hissed in Sunggyu’s ear), and even though Hoya tries to smile as he says goodbye, it doesn’t have anything like the luster of his normal easy grin and he barely lifts his hand to wave as though to do so would waste too much energy he can’t afford to lose. Sunggyu’s hands knot into fists as he watches, and the bite of his fingernails against his palms feels almost like relief.

He’s already made up his mind by the time Sungjong catches him by the arm that night as he’s heading to brush his teeth before bed. Sungjong’s eyes are steely and expectant as they meet Sunggyu’s. “Hyung, if you don’t talk to CEO-nim, I’m going to do it.”

As it turns out, Sunggyu agrees to let Sungjong go with him (Woohyun had wanted to go, but Sunggyu had denied him; he usually takes Woohyun if he takes anyone, but Woohyun’s been so tense about the whole situation lately that Sunggyu’s half scared that if Woohyun even sees managements’ faces, he might just snap and start screaming or something. Not that Sunggyu would blame him, but of course he can’t allow that. Sungjong can be counted on to be cool in this sort of situation and when did he grow up?) and as he walks out of the office afterwards he’s glad he has someone beside him. It didn’t exactly go well; not that the tone was anything but polite, but for all the powers that be nodded their heads and sympathized with what Sunggyu had to say (“This isn’t just us, the others all agree, too, they all wanted me to talk to you”), Sunggyu can’t shake the conviction that they didn’t really _listen_. 

“You tried, hyung,” Sungjong says, and Sungjong isn’t really the comforting type, and he’s definitely not the platitudes type, so if he says it, he means it. “That’s what matters. Hoya-hyung and Dongwoo-hyung will be grateful.”

Sunggyu makes a dismissive noise, already falling into brooding over how he didn’t manage to accomplish anything at all, but then there’s Sungjong’s elbow in his side. “Hyung. It’s not like nothing came of it. You did get them _some_ time.”

Sunggyu snorts, brushing his hair out of his eyes and feeling centuries old. “Yeah, one night off. Like that’s going to do them much good.”

“It’s something, hyung. It’ll help.”

Sunggyu’s not so sure of that, and the cynical twist to Sungyeol’s mouth and the way Woohyun stomps around all night after he relays the news tells him that they agree, but Myungsoo perks up a bit. “We can stay in and watch movies and eat lots of food. We can all bring our duvets out and sleep out here the whole night—it’s been years since we all slept together.”

Sometimes it really amazes Sunggyu, the simple things that make Myungsoo happy, but even he has to admit that it doesn’t sound like a terrible way to spend an evening. CEO-nim hadn’t been too specific about just when Infinite H would get a night off, but he had promised, and Sunggyu tries to ignore dorm-moving getting pushed back and focus on the positive (“You’re the worst at positive thinking of anyone I’ve ever met,” Woohyun says, an edge to his voice, and they’ve been snapping at each other a lot lately, and Sunggyu knows it’s just because they’re worried about the others and because it’s always so much easier to fight without Dongwoo’s presence to balance the mood, but it doesn’t keep him from snapping back). 

Sungjong’s the one who mentions that it might be a good idea not to tell Dongwoo and Hoya about the promise because they’ll only be disappointed if it doesn’t happen (Sungyeol grits his teeth like he’s trying to keep from screaming, and knowing Sungyeol he probably is), but the rest of them agree. Woohyun drops some hints about it to the manager-hyungs, but they all know they’re not the ones really controlling any of the scheduling; they’re just the ones who make sure the idols show up on time, delivering them to the right places and steering them past crowds. The ones who are really in charge are in offices, and Sunggyu tries not to let that bother him.

It seems like far too long, but then one night, when they all (‘all’ these days means Sunggyu and Woohyun and the maknae line, and nothing about that is okay) have clear schedules for the night and come trickling back into the dorm after vocal practice and CF filmings and radio shows, Gonam-hyung pulls Sunggyu aside and whispers something to him.

Sunggyu feels like it’s been too long since he’s smiled, the corners of his mouth rising creakily, and that makes sense because everything’s harder to laugh at if Dongwoo isn’t there to laugh the hardest, if Hoya isn’t there to make some sly comment. Sungyeol tries, but his sharp tongue has taken on a bitter edge, and Woohyun’s attempts to raise spirits just seem too forced. So they haven’t been laughing as much lately and Sunggyu thinks if they keep this up, they’ll all forget how. He’s been half-convinced he’s forgotten how to smile, too, but here one is, stretching his mouth as he tells the other members (the others besides Hoya, the others besides Dongwoo), “Infinite H gets their night off tonight.”

The others just stare at him for a moment, blank like they can’t actually process that, and then they burst into grins and happy exclamations and Myungsoo ends up doing some sort of a dorky dance (“Don’t do that ever again where a human being can see you, dorkface,” Sungyeol says, shoving him away) and then comes the planning.

“Sungjong, come on, we’ve got lots of shopping to do,” Woohyun says, grabbing Sungjong by the arm, and if the maknae complains asking why he has to be the one to carry all Woohyun’s bags, his grin doesn’t waver any. Sungyeol says he’s going out and makes a mysterious face and disappears out the front door before anyone can even protest, and Sunggyu sighs, “I was going to get him to pick out the movies. I guess I’ll have to do it myself.”

“No,” Woohyun says, pausing at the front door to pull his shoes on. “You are not allowed. You have the _worst_ taste in movies, hyung. Sungjong and I will pick some things up while we’re gone.” And then he’s dragging Sungjong out the door while Sungjong rolls his eyes and starts talking about horror films. Sunggyu would worry, but he knows Woohyun would never let Sungjong pick a scary film, even if Sungjong were jerk enough to choose one for tonight when he knows how they make Dongwoo jump.

That leaves Sunggyu and Myungsoo alone in the dorm, and Myungsoo nods his head and heads to the bedroom. “I’m going to get all our duvets and pillows and set them up right now!” So now Sunggyu is the only one who doesn’t have anything to do, and he feels a little lost as he looks around the almost-empty dorm. Then he catches sight of the pans and dishes piled high in the sink—the pans and dishes Woohyun is going to need in order to do all his cooking when he gets home—and sighs as he rolls up his sleeves.

Myungsoo joins him eventually (a lot longer than it should take to just grab some blankets and pillows, Sunggyu thinks, but when he pokes his head out into the living room, Myungsoo is arranging them with seriousness completely out of proportion to the task), drying the dishes and putting them away as Sunggyu washes. They’ve just finished the last spoon when Sungyeol bursts back into the room, plastic bags dangling from his long arms like some kind of high-fashion sleeves. “I got everybody’s favorite,” he announces, pulling open the freezer and tossing in ice cream and popsicles and whatever other kind of frozen treat he apparently grabbed. “That way, everybody’s happy.” Myungsoo pads over to peek into the bags and he must find whatever it is he was hoping for because he grins up at Sungyeol like Sungyeol just brought home a fool-proof plan for world peace instead of dessert. Three people is way too many for their tiny kitchen to handle, so Sunggyu slips out to go check the charts (he checks them for Infinite H more than he ever did for his own solo project, which might be strange except for the fact that he has more _time_ to check now). Some time later Woohyun and Sungjong return and Woohyun recruits Sungyeol as his assistant and Myungsoo and Sungjong end up playing video games and Sunggyu decides to take a nap.

He wakes to Woohyun throwing a t-shirt in his face. “Get up, hyung, they’ll be back any minute and the food’s all ready.” He drags himself out of bed and drops down on a pile of pillows in the living room, and he’s still yawning and rubbing at his eyes as he monitors the others getting the food set up (“Namu, did you think you’re feeding every idol in Korea tonight? There’s no way we’ll eat all that.” “I’m not hearing anything negative you have to say, hyung, not tonight”) when the door opens and Dongwoo and Hoya enter, both of them looking a little dazed.

“Hyung!” Dongwoo’s voice is a little strained, and probably no one who doesn’t sing for a living would notice, but Sunggyu is Sunggyu and so he does. “Hyung, we get a whole night off, a whole night and—“

Dongwoo stops abruptly, eyes going wide (and making him look impossibly young and cute, even Sunggyu has to admit) when he sees the table set up with all the steaming food and the pile of duvets and pillows beyond. Hoya’s eyes have gone wide, too, and Sunggyu had forgotten that Hoya can be cute, too; it’s been so long since he’s seen Hoya being much of anything; they’re almost never together anymore.

“Surprise, hyungs!” Sungjong says, coming over to take Hoya’s bag off his shoulder and swing it over his own arm. “We’re having band night in.”

“Woohyun cooked every kind of food known to man,” Sungyeol adds. “Hurry up and come eat before it gets cold.”

Ten minutes later the rappers are washed up and they’re all sitting around the table and Sunggyu’s laughing at something Hoya said and he suddenly realizes he hasn’t felt this relaxed in…well, at least since before his solo debut. Because first there was that and there was Infinite H and things have been so stupidly busy and they never even get to be together anymore and it’s so easy to lose sight of _Infinite_ , to forget about who the seven of them are together. And yet it’s so, so easy to remember again, to fall back into it when they’re here together.

“Woohyun, stop that! God, leave him alone and let him eat himself, he’s not a baby, he can feed himself!” Sunggyu knows he sounds like a nagging father, but he doesn’t particularly care, not when Woohyun is being this ridiculous and keeps trying to feed Dongwoo the best bits of everything. But Dongwoo is laughing around mouthfuls and just laughs harder every time a bit of food doesn’t quite make it in and he ends up with rice on his chin or something smeared on the corner of his mouth. Myungsoo laughs even harder that Dongwoo does, and he just looks so happy that they’re all there that it’s almost pathetic. Sungyeol is flipping through Woohyun’s movie choices even as he stuffs his mouth and Sungjong’s talking quietly with Hoya about something or other, and yeah, the bags underneath Hoya’s eyes are huge and Dongwoo looks like his eyes are swollen from lack of sleep and it’s easy to see, here in the light of the dorm, that they’ve both lost weight, their features more defined than ever, but still, it helps to see them with their idol faces turned off, eating, Dongwoo slumped against Woohyun, Hoya with his back against the wall.

They don’t eat even half the food, though they all eat more than they’re used to (Sunggyu will have to keep an eye on Woohyun to make sure he doesn’t try to kill himself at the gym this weekend) and even after they’re done picking at the various dishes, Woohyun still keeps trying to get another bite into Dongwoo, who’s clearly too tired to really push him away. So Sunggyu takes the chopsticks out of Woohyun’s hand and tells them they have to clean up before movie time.

That earns a lot of groans, but it doesn’t take long to get everything taken care of, not with all seven of them. Soon enough Sungyeol’s at the DVD player and Myungsoo’s yelling, “I call Dongwoo-hyung!” and dragging Dongwoo down onto the duvet with him, wrapping him up in a hug and making him laugh. It would be sappy to admit that Sunggyu can feel the muscles in his shoulders loosening at the sound of Dongwoo’s laughter, so he doesn’t admit it, even to himself. 

“What did you pick, Woohyun? What did you pick that’s so much better than my taste?”

“Anything’s better than what you would have picked, hyung.”

“You didn’t let Sungjong pick horror movies, did you?” Dongwoo asks from where he and Myungsoo are cuddling. He looks like he’s got a little more color in his cheeks after the meal.

“I wouldn’t be that mean, hyung,” Sungjong says, leaning back on his hands as Hoya rests his head in his lap. 

As it turns out, Woohyun picked out a couple of old familiar comedies, ones they’ve all seen dozens of times, but ones that never fail to make them laugh. It was the right choice, Sunggyu thinks, because they don’t have to pretend to be paying attention they want to talk about something else, and they don’t have to pause it when someone needs to go to the bathroom. Or when Sungyeol and Woohyun start throwing popcorn at each other for no reason. Or when Dongwoo laughs so hard at something Sungyeol says that he knocks over Sungjong’s drink and Myungsoo has to go get some paper towels to clean it up. Or when Woohyun and Hoya get into a fight over which actress is prettiest and which one of them would get a date fastest. Or when Dongwoo falls asleep half on top of Myungsoo and half on top of Woohyun.

“Did he actually just fall asleep mid-laugh?” Sungyeol asks, sounding shocked and maybe a bit impressed.

“He’s been doing that sometimes between schedules,” Hoya confirms. “I’ve been trying to let him catnap as much as I can, but usually the only time we have is in the car on the way from one thing to another.”

Sunggyu doesn’t like to think about how tired they always look, how tired they must always _be_ , but if they have to live with it the least he can do as their leader is to think about it.

“Were you this tired when you were doing solo promotions, hyung?” Myungsoo suddenly asks, and Sunggyu feels Woohyun’s sharp eyes swing over to him.

“No,” he answers, and it’s the truth. He was tired, of course. More tired than he’d thought it was possible to be, but even at its worst it hadn’t been quite as bad as _this_. Even while sleeping, his cheek pressed against Woohyun’s chest, Dongwoo doesn’t actually look rested or relaxed. He still looks _exhausted_ , and Sunggyu hadn’t even known that was possible, to be so tired that even sleep isn’t enough. Fuck, he hates this. “No, not that tired.”

“He told me to wake him up if he falls asleep because he doesn’t want to miss anything, but…” Myungsoo trails off, his eyebrows furrowing in concern. 

“No, just leave him alone,” Sunggyu says. He thinks even if CEO-nim himself walked in the front door, Sunggyu wouldn’t let him wake up Dongwoo now. “He might not want to sleep, but he needs to. And don’t think I haven’t noticed you blinking and yawning all over the place over there,” he says pointedly to Hoya, who raises his hands in innocence.

“You’re not fooling anybody, hyung,” Sungjong agrees. “You should sleep too.”

“It’s not that late,” Hoya protests, shaking his head. “I don’t want to ruin the night you planned.”

“We planned it for _you_ ,” Sungyeol points out before Sunggyu can say anything himself. “We wanted to make you two happy. And if sleeping makes you happy, obviously that’s what we want you to do.”

“When did you get all sappy?” Hoya asks, kicking out a lazy foot in Sungyeol’s direction.

“You really want to start a kick-fight with me, hobbit? With your little hobbit-leg?”

“You’re going to wake Dongwoo-hyung up,” Myungsoo says, glaring at them.

Woohyun snorts, tightening his arm around Dongwoo’s waist. “I don’t think even Sungyeol could do that right now, Myungsoo. Not even if he did his dolphin-scream.”

“ _Please_ don’t,” Sungjong says as Sungyeol opens his mouth. “I don’t want to have to rip your vocal chords out tonight. I’m tired too.”

The truth is, they’re all always tired, to one degree or another. Sunggyu actually can’t remember the last time he wasn’t tired, but he’s entirely sure it was before he became a trainee. Probably before he came to Seoul, actually. But he’s learned to rate his tiredness on a sliding scale, and what he feels now is kind of moderately tired—more than usual on hiatus, but not nearly as much as he was when he was solo promoting. Still, moderately tired means he fantasizes about napping while in the middle of doing other things, it means he’s pretty sure he could sleep for 24—36—48 hours straight and still be tired when he wakes up. Yeah, he’s tired.

They’re all tired. And they’re all home. And it’s so easy just to lie stretched out here with Sungjong’s duvet between his body and the cold floor, on a pillow that smells like Myungsoo, with Sungyeol’s feet tangling with his and Hoya’s elbow in his back and the menu of the movie (he’s forgotten what they were even watching) playing in the background. He should probably be really uncomfortable—he should probably get up and turn off the TV and get the others to help him get Dongwoo up and into his pajamas and tell Hoya to head to his own room so they can take advantage of an actual bed for once. But it’s easier to lie here and listen to Sungyeol’s snoring, the smell of Woohyun’s cooking filling the air. It’s easier.

It’s easy.


End file.
